


take me to church

by emmared



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Cancer, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of Suicide, Suicide Attempt, if you are triggered by either please dont read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 03:29:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11569374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmared/pseuds/emmared
Summary: It happens suddenly, then all at once, Jonny's left to make his decisions alone.





	take me to church

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song of the same name by hozier 
> 
> thanks to pan for being the best beta and cheerleader (even though she threatened to come to calgary and fight me at one point)
> 
> enjoy!

As they lay in bed after a particularly intimate moment, Jonny can’t help himself from tracing small patterns on his bare back with his thumb. His breathing was so shallow he was almost positive he was unconscious, but when he raised his head from its resting place on his chest, he found himself captivated by his baby blues.

“Do you regret anything?” He asked quietly, his gaze never straying from his own. Jonny licked his lips, over-analyzing everything he said, as usual.

“I regret not holding the door open for an old lady today,” He responded, trying to lighten the sudden serious air. Patrick rolled his eyes at his answer, before gradually pulling himself forward, now face-to-face with Jonny.

“I love you,” He stated boldly, before pressing his lips softly against his own. He didn’t hesitate from tangling his hand in his short hair, and kissing him back firmly.

“I love you too, Pat.” He whispered after they pulled away. Seemingly satisfied, Patrick placed a swift kiss just below his ear, before using his shoulder as a pillow and drifting to sleep.

-

Jonny shut the door behind him softly, using one hand to tug at his tie, not liking the tight material around his neck. He slipped out of his jacket, leaving it carelessly on the floor. 

He had spent the better part of the day being hugged by people he didn’t really know, and having the guys breathing down his neck, expecting him to pull a gun from his pocket and just end the torture already.

As he slowly undid the buttons to his dress shirt he came to stop in front of an older picture of him and Patrick. Under all the happiness you wouldn’t have been able to tell that he really had a deadly disease eating at his slowly deteriorating organs.

Cancer.

Is was a silent killer. Jonny now knew first hand exactly how undetectable it was. One day he and Patrick had been roaming downtown Chicago, and the next he was coughing up blood all over their white sheets.

Of course, with a quick glance to the bed, Jonny noticed someone had been nice enough to replace the soiled linens.

With a flick of his wrist, the room was cast into sudden darkness as he turned the light off. Jonny lowered himself into the mattress, greeted with the familiar squeak Patrick had always loved. As he laid down, his gaze was forced upward to another memoir of his deceased boyfriend.

-

“Pat?” Jonny called into the apartment, knowing he was late. Sharpy had insisted they try the new sushi restaurant that had opened down the road, and since Patrick didn’t like sushi much, Jonny opted to go alone. 

Jonny glanced in the kitchen, mentally noting that he would need to do the dishes soon, a pile was starting to form. As he pushed open the door to the bedroom, he was greeted with a pitch black room.

“Pat?” He tried again, reaching a hand out and blindly flicking the light switch, blinking as his vision returned.

“NO! Turn it back off!” Patrick demanded, exiting the adjoining bathroom in a pair of overalls, black smudges covering him from head to toe.

“What’s that smell?” Jonny asked as he followed his instructions, ceasing the only source of light in the room.

“I did a bit of decorating…” Patrick’s voice appeared directly in front of him, and he felt him intertwine his larger fingers with his own.

“Is that paint? Pat I don’t think it’s safe to inhale the fumes of fresh paint for too long,” Jonny warned, concern lacing his voice as he guided him through the room. As the backs of his knees hit the mattress, he felt him give a slight push.

“I was waiting for you to come home tonight, so I sat on the balcony for a bit. And you know what I noticed?” He asked, his head resting on the pillow beside his own as they both stared up.

“That we’ve been dating long enough that you no longer need to act sane around me anymore?” Jonny replied playfully as his gaze was met with a completely black ceiling, illuminated by multiple glow-in-the-dark stars. Jonny knew Patrick was no artist by any means, but the stars from the Dollar Store looked pretty good spread across the ceiling of their shared bedroom.

“Close, but no. There were no stars. All the bright lights of the city must have scared them away, so I decided to bring the stars to us.” He stated proudly, pulling Jonny’s phone from his pocket and snapping a picture of the scene.

-

Now Jonny felt stupid lying in the bed and staring at fake stars. His arm fell onto the empty spot beside him, and all he longed for was Patrick’s tiny body curled up beside him. He grabbed his pillow and pressed it against his face, trying desperately to stop the airflow to his lungs.

His intoxicating scent of his shampoo and a whiff of vanilla filled his nose, and it broke down the wall Jonny had spent the past couple days building, in a matter of a few seconds.

Tears clouded his vision as sobs ripped through his body viciously. He thrashed around wildly, forcefully throwing the pillow as far away from him as possible, ignoring the sound of it hitting the vanity.

Jonny swallowed back another sob, somehow pushing himself into a sitting position. Stumbling from his bed to the sitting room, he unlocked and pulled the door to the balcony open. The cold wind whipped at his unbuttoned shirt and dress pants, instantly freezing the tears that streamed down his face.

He walked to the railing, before lifting himself up and over it, standing carefully on the thin ledge. His toes curled over the tiny piece of cement, as he slowly leaned forward. He glanced down from the 30-story apartment, having to squint to make out the shapes of people on the sidewalk below.

It wasn’t long before people started pointing at him and yelling to others, but Jonny simply ignored them.

As he loosened his grip on the railing, blurs of images started reeling through his mind. From the first day of school, his first kiss, to the NHL draft, the first time he met Patrick, winning the Stanley Cup, every major event in his life flashed before him in seconds.

-

“I’m scared Pat,” Jonny whispered as the guy came around, double-checking their seat belts, before wishing them a fun ride. Jonny’s hand gripped Patrick’s tightly, almost restricting blood flow. The ride climbed up the first hill slowly, groaning and clinking as it dragged the weight of all its passengers.

“Jonny, open your eyes right now or else I am forcing you on this again.” Patrick commanded, watching as he reluctantly squinted his eyes open, before staring at the view intently.

“It’s beautiful,” He mumbled as they looked at the park from this high up. Patrick leaned over and kissed him firmly, never wanting to forget this moment.

“Oh hey, I think I see Saader!” Sharpy yelled from behind them, as he and Seabs started waving at the man with the sick look on his face, recognizable from even this height. Miniature Saad waved back at them, not being one for rides, and they all shared a laugh, just as the ride hit the top of the hill, slowly tilting into the decline.

“HOLY MOTHERFUCKING GOD! I HATE YOU ALL!” Jonny screamed as the last of the train made it over the bump and gravity pulled them downward at an insane speed. Patrick, Seabs, Duncs and Sharpy all screamed happily, whereas Jonny seemed to be practicing his horror movie screech.

When the ride finally pulled into a stop at the unloading dock each guy had an identical grin glued into their face. The rush of adrenaline flowing through their veins was only comparable to post-sex endorphins, or a particularly amazing concert.

“How was the ride?” Saad asked as they exited the gate, following the signs toward the in-ride photo booth. As they waited in line the guys attempted fixing their wind-blown hair, Jonny remained quiet, a stony expression on his face.

“I’m pretty sure I shit myself.” He finally spoke, a deadly serious look on his face, making everyone burst out laughing.

-

Jonny could feel his toes going numb, and knew he would need to make a decision soon before he ended up falling from the ledge on accident.

Patrick’s smile filled his mind, and he knew right then that there was only one solution. As he removed his hands from the railing altogether, he felt his weight shift dramatically, leaning forward unstably. 

As he shut his eyes one more time, he leaned forward that extra bit, feeling his center of balance being thrown.

-

Jonny couldn’t believe they’d done it, they’d won the cup. 

He skated around the ice, cup lifted about his head as he let out a loud whoop. It felt light as a feather, even though it definitely wasn’t, but in this moment, with all his friends and family surrounding him, he felt liked a god.

“Congrats Cap,” Patrick skated up beside him, patting him on the ass as he grinned up at him. Patrick’s eyes were lit with joy, the smile seemingly a permanent fixture on his face. 

It felt weird, not being able to celebrate with his boyfriend like all his teammates on the ice were, to not be able to lean over and kiss him under the cup. 

It was his decision, to remain private with their relationship, but he knows how badly Patrick wants to come out, to change the face of the NHL.

And who’s Jonny to deny him?

Without another thought he’s reaching over and planting a fat kiss on his lips, cup raised above them, for everyone to see. Everyone goes quiet for a second before his mother, of all people, lets out a yell and starts clapping excitedly.

Soon enough everyone on the ice is cheering, and Patrick pulls back, smile twenty times bigger.

“I love you so fucking much,” He whispers, kissing him again to hide the blush covering his face and yeah, Jonny loves him too.

-

As he teetered precariously on the edge and let his body go limp he felt a strong hand grip his shirt, pulling his shoulders back roughly. 

As the unbuttoned shirt slipped from his shoulders another hand found its way to the top of his dress pants, and pulled his limp body safely behind the railing.

His body was numb as he was dragged into the living room and the sliding door was slammed shut and locked.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Sharpy yelled at Jonny, only wearing a pair of plaid pajama pants. Jonny just stated at his friend, feeling completely emotionless. The door opened as tears fell shamelessly down Sharpy’s cheeks.

“It’s all over the news already. No ones knows it’s him yet though. The police want to come up but Duncs is stalling them.” Seabs muttered, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, his hair wild from sleep. He walked towards Jonny, just staring at him with conflicted eyes.

“Jon, I know you’re gutted over Patrick, but you don’t attempt to kill yourself. We’ll help you through this. Just let us in.” He begged, his eyes searching Jonny’s as he rested a hand on his shoulder, squeezing him tightly in an attempt to ground him.

“I got them to believe it was a prank, don’t ask how, I just did.” Duncs announced, breaking the awkward silence that had filled the room. He was acting fairly normal, but the deep purple bruises under his eyes reflected how much Patrick’s death was affecting him.

“Don’t talk about it if you don’t want to. Do what you do best, Jonny. Work it out. Get on the ice, go for a run, hit the gym, anything.” Sharpy encouraged, offering him a hand pulling him from the floor.

“Thanks.” Jonny replied briskly, before turning his back on his friends and taking refuge in his bedroom. He laid on the bed and stared at the stars once again, feeling completely empty.

As he drifted into a restless sleep, he could have sworn he felt a familiar body curl up against him, snuggling against his chest in a way that he’d grown used to.


End file.
